Well, I loved her dearly. She was a small town girl who was the opposite of me in every way, 
but those differences seemed to compliment each other while we raised our family. 
I looked after her, and she looked after me, we were happy. We rarely disagreed, and when we did, 
we treated each other with respect and found compromises that pleased us both. 
It was good times.

  We grew from tenting out of the trunk of our VW to trailering to eventually buying a wonderful 
cottage on a lake. We toured across the continent twice with all of our kids. It was a busy life. 
I was working with the Army Reserve and was away for extended periods, but it was always so good 
when I came home. We had businesses and rental properties, lots of income but not much time. 
It seemed everything had to be scheduled. She minded the stress of it all. 
Finally she asked for a simpler life.

  We sold off the rentals and businesses. I quit the Reserves to spend more time at home. 
She wanted to go out more often, so we did. She met new friends, most of them were single or separated. 
When they couldn't drive home they often stayed overnight on our couch. She was changing, it seemed 
she longed to be a teenager again. She got a cellphone, opened her own bank account, 
something was happening. 

  By her 40th birthday life in our houshold was tense, there seemed to be too many secrets. 
Much of her time out to the clubs or visiting friends was without me. She hid her cellphone bill, 
money was disappearing, bills not paid. I started checking on things and she accused me of being 
sneaky and untrusting. She complained behind my back to her friends and mine, and our families 
about everything about me, and made accusations to them that I was unfaithful, or had been at some 
time in the past. That was not like her, she had changed. She kept telling me over and over: 
"If you're not happy, why don't you just leave!"

  And then other times she would cry, and fall into my arms and just want me to hold her. 
And hold her I did, I loved her so very much. This was affecting me badly, made me depressed. 
She asked for some time alone, she begged me to go stay at the cottage for a couple weeks. 
I did, I put her out of my mind and prayed to God in the quiet of the woods for things to 
go back together again.

  When I came back to the house, all my things were packed up in boxes. The GPS in her car told 
the story of where she had been. It was over. Twenty happy years were over and I really don't know why. 
She was seeing several different people and was out every night. I spent the evenings with 
my kids that summer in an awkward sort of arrangment until she moved in with a boyfriend. 
It hurt like a thousand drops of iodine. I lost interest in everything but the kids. I lost over 30 lbs, 
looked like a skeleton. 

  It was rough. I had been married for 20 years and had truly loved her. I was despondant, 
but the kids gave me a reason to go on. Months after we separated a friend's sister asked me out. 
It was weird being out in the company of someone else. To be honest, I accepted because I was lonely and 
I thought that just maybe, my ex would become jealous and want me back. Sad, and not very fair to 
that girl who put up with my longing for my ex, because she cared for me. Then I realized I was hurting her 
as much as I was being hurt myself. It is a hard world. I had so much to learn.

  It took years to get myself back on track. My ex had morgaged the house to the hilt, ran up her credit cards 
and walked away from all the bills. We arranged to share custody of the kids, with me paying her support. 
She was able to get a good paying job in nursing, bought a house nearby so the kids can go back and forth. 
We talk, we get along. 

  It took 4 years to get a divorce. We had come to an agreement in the first couple months, 
but she went to a lawyer who told her she could get more than half of everything. Her lawyer advised her 
to break into the house, to steal things from my yard, to take control of the kids away from me, 
to give the kids whatever they wanted so that I came off as the mean disciplinarian. The lawyer bilked her 
along for tens of thousands of dollars, squashing every hope of an agreement with unreasonable requests 
such as three quarters of my pay and our savings and pension. Finally, after 4 years, her lawyer 
petitioned me for two thirds of my income, half of our savings and an up front payment that equalled 
my half of our savings. I agreed. 

  My ex was suspicious, why would I agree to something this outragious? I told her "I was tired of the 
constant conflict that your lawyer is creating. I want it to end. If this is what it takes to have peace, 
so be it. This is a small town, people will know what you have done, what sort of person you are." 
My ex broke down crying, knowing what she was doing. She talked with her lawyer and finally the three of us 
sat down and worked out an agreement that was essentially what we had agreed to 4 years earlier. 
Her lawyer charged her another $4000 for that meeting, but finally the "trauma by lawyer" is done. 
It had cost her over a year's pay and delivered nothing but heartache.

  I used to work long hours as an area tech, but changed jobs to work shifts of only 3 or 4 days a week. 
The two older kids have graduated College and University and are on great career paths. My ex works in nursing 
and has a flexible enough schedule that the 3 younger kids are with me every day I have off and can be with her 
whenever I work. There is still a lot of competitive parenting, but things are going well.

  Being on my own was a huge shock and I really suffered from depression in the first couple years. 
"Dating" was a shock too. Not being much of a drinker or into the bar scene, it took a while to figure out 
when someone is really interested in you and how to get over my natural shyness. I often found myself with 
totally incompatable women. While I can easily get along with almost anyone, I had to search into myself 
to see what sort of person fit well with me and let me be myself, and would be happy with the real me.

  I don't know if I can say I'll be happier than if my marriage had held together. 
It was all I knew and I was happy with it. I held a simple strong faith that it was forever and that all problems 
could be worked out. I was truly and totally in love, whereas now I think my heart hedges a little bit, 
holding back, not giving all. I now accept that I am only half of the equation, the other person is entitled 
to their feelings, I have to accept them, not try to change them.

  My younger kids are now the focus of my life, but I know they will be gone soon so I am trying to look after 
my own well being too. Dating with kids at home is rough, but my kids seem to understand and encourage me. 
Life changes are hard, but things are looking better.


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